my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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