Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
