Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize