I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
