Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
