so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
