to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
