My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
