I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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