whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
