2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
