I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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