I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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