come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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