If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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