She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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