my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
