You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
