JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
