Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
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