i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
