i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
