you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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