I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
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Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
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hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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