Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
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my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
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i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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