Need sex. Gaining weight.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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