thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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