We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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