My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
