I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
