Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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