I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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