happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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