Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize