im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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