I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
