i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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