did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
