I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
