Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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