When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She's not a foreskin expert like you
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
