I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
