worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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