I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
