The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I lost the right to judge tonight
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
PANTIES FOUND
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