eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
