Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
