I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I understand Curling. That high.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize