so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
