Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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