Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
