Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
