My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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