textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
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So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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