Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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