Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
