She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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