So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
