I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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